The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

For the sake of civility, and to keep it from



getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.

A woman walks past and says, snickering,

"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied,

"If you were better looking it would lift itself."

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ElectroDolly
02:53 Jul 30 2011

xDDD

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Dear Mother-in-Law



Please don't try to tell me how to raise my kids.



I'm married to one of yours and believe me there's room for improvement!



Sincerely



Your Daughter-in-Law

‘caterpillars don’t believe in butterflies…

only in the world they say see before their eyes…

Caterpillars don’t believe in butterflies…

They think that when they’re gone, they’re gone.



Quote: Howard Bond {{folk musician.}}

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.



When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.



The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.



I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'."



The old guy obeys and says,"99".



The doctor says, "Great.



Now turn over on your left side and again, while repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".



Again, the old guy says, "99."



The doctor said, “Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.



I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.



Now take a deep breath and say, '99'."



The old guy begins, "One ... Two ...Three".

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Laila696
00:04 Jul 29 2011

lmao nice

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I've learned pleasing everyone is impossible but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake

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RedQueen
23:30 Jul 27 2011

I cook to please- I bitch to piss off- it all works for me...lol

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A blind man was flying in a small plane with his brother, the pilot, when his brother suddenly clutched his chest and died...

After finally finding the radio, the blind man called for help and was answered by an air traffic controller at a nearby airport...

"You've got to help me! I'm totally blind, the pilot of this plane is dead, and we are flying upside down!"

The air traffic controller answered...

"I understand that the pilot is dead and you are blind, but if you are blind how do you know that you are flying upside down?"...

"Because I have shit running up my neck"...

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DestroyingAngel
08:25 Jul 26 2011

GAH! *cringes* Grrrrrosssss. lol.

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Dear Mum Letter.....







A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed



was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an



envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.



It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition, she opened the



envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.



'Dear, Mum.



It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to



elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene



with Dad and you.



I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I



knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos,



her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.



But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.



Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the



woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.



We share a dream of having many more children.



Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really



hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with



the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.



In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS,



so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!



Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.



Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your



many grandchildren.





Love, your son, Nicholas.







“P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.



I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than



the school report that's on my desk”







I love you!



Call when it is safe for me to come home.

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.







A lady cashier walked up to him and said, 'Your barracks door is open.'





Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.



Just as he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, 'Your fly is open.'



He zipped up and finished his shopping.







At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his 'barracks door.'







He figured he would have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, 'When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?'



The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, 'No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.'

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DestroyingAngel
23:13 Jul 22 2011

:O



ROFL!

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ElectroDolly
02:18 Jul 23 2011

::giggles:: xD

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dabbler
00:51 Jul 28 2011

not too bad

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A refuse collector in Cairns, Australia, is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.



He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks.



There's no answer.



Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - a bit harder and then harder still…



Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door.



"Harro!" says the Chinese man.



"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.



"I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed.



Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.



"No! No! Mate, where’s your dust bin?"



"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Chinese man, still perplexed.



"Listen," says the collector.



"You're misunderstanding me.



Where's your 'wheelie' bin?'"



"OK, OK." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the collector's ear.



"I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation..



They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.



The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb.





They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them.







They couldn't help but stare.



As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.







They were both stunned.





How in the world did she know they were priests?





So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.



These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!







Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.







After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.







Again she nodded at each of them, and said:



'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.







One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.'







'Yes, Father?'







'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'



She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'

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dabbler
17:13 Jul 18 2011

yes.. haha

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One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend, and didn't inform the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story:

"Excuse me my dear........my stomach," and disappeared towards the bathroom.

The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back stairs, into the maid's bed.

She just had time to switch the lights off when in he came silently...........

He wasted no time or words but quickly got into the act.

When he finished and still panting, the wife said "You didn't expect to find me in this bed did you!!" and switched on the light.

"No Madam" said the gardener!!!

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DestroyingAngel
19:50 Jul 17 2011

LOL!

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TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES







Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does!







Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint?







Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.







The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.







The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.







Why the different treatment for the two patients?







The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.







The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.







Next time take me to a vet!

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RedQueen
02:08 Jul 12 2011

Sounds like the difference between American medicine and Canadian health care...lol

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On the first day, God created the dog and said:



'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.



For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'







The dog said:



'That's a long time to be barking.



How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'







So God agreed.







On the second day, God created the monkey and said:







'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.



For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'







The monkey said:



'Monkey tricks for twenty years?



That's a pretty long time to perform.



How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'







And God agreed.







On the third day, God created the cow and said:







'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.



For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'







The cow said:



'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.



How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'







And God agreed again.







On the fourth day, God created humans and said:







'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.



For this, I'll give you twenty years.'







But the human said:



'Only twenty years?



Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'



'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'



So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.



For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.



For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.



And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.



Life has now been explained to you.

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DestroyingAngel
00:28 Jul 12 2011

Oh my god lol. :P

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sucalicious
02:23 Jul 12 2011

MIGHT BE FOR LAUGHS BUT IT IS SO TRUE

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madlyn
20:31 Jul 13 2011

Neil you crack me up. lmao

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FallenDreams
00:26 Aug 09 2011

I love this

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A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom.







Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 100mph, enjoying the wind blowing

Through what little hair he had left.







"Amazing!"







He thought as he flew down the M1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.







Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.







"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 120mph, then 140 then 160mph.







Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing?







I'm too old for this nonsense!"







So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.







Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes.







Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend.







If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."







The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman.







I thought you were bringing her back."







"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman

After being married for thirty years....a wife asked her husband to describe her.





He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, and H.... I, J, K."





She asks..... "What does that mean?"





He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.





She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely.....





What about I, J, K?"





He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"



His eye is still swollen....but it will get better.....

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a Bottle of wine:







Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.



As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.







With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.







Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.







The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.







'What in bag?' asked the old woman.







Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine, I got it for my husband.'







The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.







Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, She said:







'Good trade.....

An Irishman went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church in Belfast.



'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession.

I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'



The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven.

Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'



Soon thereafter, another Irishman entered the confessional.

'Father, it has been two months since my last confession.

I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.



'This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'



'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.



'Very well,' sighed the priest.

Go and say ten Hail Mary's.’



At mass the next morning as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous, redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.

The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.

Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.



The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any panties.



The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?’



The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes.'

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dabbler
00:13 Jul 07 2011

Snort

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Martha recently lost her husband.



She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.



Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.



Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.



You know that dishwasher you promised me?



I bought it with the insurance money!



She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, Remember that car you promised me?



Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!



Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, Remember that diamond ring you promised me?



Bought it too, with the insurance money!



Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, Remember that blow job I promised you?



Well, here it comes.

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Adessa
15:15 Jul 06 2011

Lol so harsh lol.

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Hecate
17:13 Jul 06 2011

lol too funny , that was just wrong,LMAO

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A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.



Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits.



She's desperate, so she decides to ask God for help.



She begins to pray... 'God, please help me. '



'I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.'



'Please let me win the lottery'



Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.



She again prays.



'God, please let me win the lottery!'



'I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'



Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.



Once again, she prays.



'My God, why have you forsaken me?'



'I've lost my business, my house, and my car.



My children are starving.'



I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You.



PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.'



Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.



The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself.



'Sweetheart, work with Me on this.



PLEASE



buy a ticket.!!'

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Hecate
17:14 Jul 06 2011

LMAO!!! now that is Hilarious ,

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Our teacher asked us what our favourite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."







She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.







My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am.







Fried chicken is my favourite animal.







I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.







He said they love animals very much.







I do, too.







Especially chicken, pork and beef.







Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.







I told him what happened, and he laughed, too.







Then he told me not to do it again.







The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favourite live animal was.







I told her it was chicken.







She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.







So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.







She sent me back to the principal's office again.







He laughed, and told me not to do it again.







I don't understand.







My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.







Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.







I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where the f##k I am...???

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DestroyingAngel
18:28 Jul 01 2011

LOL

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Sinistra
18:54 Jul 01 2011

This is soooo funny.

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RedQueen
22:49 Jul 02 2011

ROFLMAO

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Hecate
17:16 Jul 06 2011

lol bad boy!! maybe he should have lied and said her

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Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face.



Dave says, "John, what are you so happy for?"



"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.



Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just Waxin my boat, and a redhead came up to me...boobies out to here, Dave.



Boobies out to here!



She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'



I said Sure you can have a ride in my boat.'



So I took her way out, Dave.



I turned off the key and I said "it’s either screw or swim!'



She couldn't swim, Dave.



She couldn't swim!"



The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face.



Dave says, "What are you happy about today John?"



"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya.



Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me, boobies out to here Dave.



Boobies out to here!



She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'



I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.'



So I took her way out, Dave.



Way out much further than the last one.



I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!'



She couldn't swim, Dave!



She couldn't swim!"



A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there crying' over a beer.



Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?"



Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.



Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me...boobies WAY out to here, Dave, Boobies WAY out to here.



I had more wood than my boat does.



She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'



So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.'



So I took her way out, Dave, Way WAY out, much further than the last two.



I turned off the key, and Looked at her boobies and said 'It's either screw or swim!'



She pulled down her pants and she had a pecker, Dave!



She had this GREAT BIG PECKER... and I can't swim Dave!



I CAN'T SWIM MAN!